Downtown Montreal has some strange customs. The Bachelor and the Bachelorette Parties are some of them. I don’t know what brings them downtown; maybe it’s the ‘Just for Laughs Festival’, or maybe they have a need to just show off and have fun.
Things have changed a lot since I got married. I had a Bachelor party and some of my friends and I went to the Wicked Wanda’s Strip bar on De Maisonneuve St. I thought that was riské. That was nothing compared to what I saw last week on St-Catherine Street. The best way to describe it would be Bridezilla and her entourage meets King Kong.
I saw Bridezilla first. She was wearing a white dress with a sash saying, ‘Future Mariée’ and trailing a large huge helium balloon with ‘Bachelorette Party’ written on it. Her posse, dressed in black, bridesmaids I guess, trailed in her wake.
One Bridesmaid had a very large sign of a grinning penis hanging from her neck; it read, ‘Bachelorette Party in Progress.’ Two other bridesmaids were carrying long, vinyl, penis blow up toys, with “Pecker Smacker” written on them. And every once in a while, they would bang them together making lots of noise… you know, you’ve seen these things at sporting events. The bridesmaids were also decked out in ‘Bachelorette Party’ glow sticks and Penis shaped whistles around their necks.
As they went along, Bridezilla would stop people and try to sell them condoms to help fund her honeymoon.
Coming from the other direction was King Kong. It was his last night of freedom as well. He was wearing a small tiara, a pink feathered boa, a white shirt and pink skirt, with lots of things written on them with magic marker. He also was raising money, and as they met I heard his sales pitch: “For a buck, write a message to my future spouse on my shirt, for five bucks you can write something on my skirt. The money will go to good use; it will help fund our hornymoon.”
Bridezilla made a counter pitch to sell her wares: “It’s amazing what men will do for their penises. It’s amazing to what lengths they will go to find a nice cozy, spot for them. You should buy one of my condoms so it’ll be properly dressed for the occasion.”
In true Canadian fashion, they both agreed to buy from each other, like free trade. Bridezilla pulled out a condom from her bag and handed it over. King Kong gave Bridezilla the magic marker, and she bent over and drew an erect penis fountain on his shirt, then added ‘Ahhhh.’ Still holding the pen, she asked, “What’s your future spouse’s name?”
“Fifi,” he responded with a smile, “at least that’s what I call him.”