I love beer gardens, and Heidelberg has some really great ones. The waitresses are pretty, and the beer comes fast and in great quantity.
You go with friends of course and sit at large tables telling jokes or stories. Somehow laughing makes the beer go down better. It’s all a great time till you become saturated and have to pee.
We were at the University Beer Garden, and I had to pee something fierce. My bladder was so full my eyes had turned yellow.
Unfortunately, my friends and I didn’t really know any German; we were tourists from Canada and knew just enough to order beer.
I did know they called the bathroom a WC; so, with a few words and gestures, the waitress directed me to the side of the building where some stairs led down to the basement.
By now I was bursting at the seams, but by exercising superlative control I was able to make it down the stairs without mishap; but as I turned the corner following the sign for the men’s, I heard a small growl.
There on the other side of a barred gate, I saw relief. The men’s toilet. But between me and relief sat this tiny dog; a terrier on a padded chair, emitting a high-pitched growl and baring his teeth.
The urgency of my full bladder, plus the brace of liquid courage I had already consumed, heightened my bravado. I stepped intrepidly towards the gate.
You know how the smallest dogs can be the most aggressive and belligerent. He did his size proud and barked viciously. I jumped back quickly, intimidated by his ferocity.
I was at an impasse. I could barge on through and risk being eaten alive by a territorial purse dog, or I could be a man and… I’m not sure what I could do. I only knew that if I didn’t get to that urinal soon, I would definitely embarrass myself; and more, if I had to walk back to the hotel with wet pants, my friends would never let me live it down.
It was now or never. I looked around to see if there was something I could use to defend myself if I ran the gauntlet. Then I noticed a small bowl of coins on the table. It was full of Euro and half Euro pieces; then it clicked.
I tossed a Euro coin into the bowl and ran unmolested to the urinal. Now I remembered; in Europe, it is not free to pee.